The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
is that a dick in a sweater?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
