i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
