We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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