This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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