Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
