Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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