I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
