I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
