At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
