hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
