We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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