the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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