Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
