had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You need a sexual gate keeper
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
