Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
