Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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