you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
