No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
