she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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