tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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