I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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