I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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