I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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