Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
