People in love make me want to vomit
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
