Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
