New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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