I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
