I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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