yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
youre lurking in front of me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
