I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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