i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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