I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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