Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
