Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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