If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
