How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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