oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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