I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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