I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You're like the curious george of whores
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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