Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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