when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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