No awkward lesbian experiences without me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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