I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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