I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
