Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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