yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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