My friends, they love my intelligence
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
