you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
