I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
