Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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