Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it glows. i had to have it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
