Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
