My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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