I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
