he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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