just tell him i said nine months
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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