well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
