So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize