im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
