Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
