she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
