She is in my trunk
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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