booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
