The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
