Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
