so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
