So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
